Waiting

waiting Waiting

I keep waiting for the day when my ease for words and writing returns to me.

Waiting…countless days, which turn into weeks. Adding up to months. And years…

They used to flow effortlessly, easily. Type, spell check, publish.

My writing reflected the funny I found in everyday life. Or the profound, seen in unlikely places.

Yet so much has happened since those days of effortless writing. So much that I’m not allowed to discuss. At least not yet.

When I do, I have to write in veiled terms or hidden meanings.

Some of the reasons are legal and have to do with my divorce.

Other reasons only pertained to my reputation.

Whatever that means.

I’m learning to care less about that. Most of those who I thought I wanted to let in, were angered the few times that I did share my story. Regardless of how they would have reacted in the same situation, it wasn’t what they wanted to hear.

It’s difficult. I want to be able to use my words again. To use my voice.

But my voice has changed. I don’t know if anyone will recognize it. Or if they want to.

And so I wait.

And type out more words. Hopeful that, eventually, my voice will be understood.

 

[linking up with Just Write at the EO]
photo credit

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Comments

  1. Oh, there is desire to hear your voice. Divorce and custody situations can be trying times. My blog was used against me in countless ways years ago. But don’t silence yourself, just be smart about!

    • “Be smart about it” << exactly!

      I am so overly-cautious about it all, and then the story really has no meaning when told. Just vague, watery words.

      I don’t remember how to ‘just write’…

  2. I’m thinking about starting an anonymous blog to wrestle with stuff … partly because I just need to get it out and partly because I think it could help others. I don’t know…

    • Amy – I’ve thought of that as well… I wonder what it would be like to write without the fears and constant self-censoring???

  3. Jennifer - Treading Water in the Kiddie Pool says:

    Maybe it seems like vague, watery words but they might mean something to someone who has been in that situation. Maybe a certain type of reader would understand. I hope things get better for you soon. Custody battles do end, things move on and everyone adjusts to a new normal. There is so much I can’t always explicitly say about our situation but I always hope someone out there with a similar experience can read between the lines. Best of luck.

    • I so agree – I don’t want to lose my voice, so even dipping my toe in the shallow end of the pool feels good.
      I know I will never be able to fully write about all that I want to (at least online…) but I too hope that the words that I do allow myself to share fall onto the right ears.

      Thank you for the well wishes :)

  4. I hear you. : )

    Xoxo

  5. Jenelyn Russo says:

    I know. I get this. Sometimes I get stuck between writing what I feel and writing what I think people want to read. Maybe it’s all the same. Vulnerability. It’s so hard for me. Hang in there. The words will come, at the right time.

  6. Julie Rorrer says:

    The more I read your blog, the more I like you. This reminds me of how adults behave compared to kids. You are graciously doing what adults do in these situations. Wouldn’t it feel so much better to just throw a tantrum, get it all out, and then be done with it? Kids have it so good. :-) Maybe Amy’s idea for an anonymous blog would at least allow you to get it out in it’s true form, and allow you to effortlessly write again. ps. If you ever start that anonymous blog and want a co-anonymous writer, let me know!

    • awww! Thank you!!

      I would love to throw a tantrum (and I have!! privately, of course ;) I’m considering an anonymous blog. Where I really can just write, and craft my words, and not lose my voice!

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