I’ve been joking a lot lately, about being considered a geriatric OB patient. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me; but I am realizing that age is taking a toll on the ease of my pregnancy. It hasn’t been a physically difficult pregnancy – I’ve been lucky that all of my pregnancies have been problem free. But I do feel older this time around. And it has been difficult on me, mentally.
Given the fact that we just couldn’t afford a fifth child, and that mentally, I’d probably lose my mind, I know that this baby is the last baby that I will carry in my womb. I’m okay with that… I know that the joy of being a parent takes place outside of the womb. But I would be lying if I said that I am taking this pregnancy and all of it’s ups and down for granted. As each day draws closer to this sweet babes arrival I am finding it difficult to balance my desire to hold on to each kick and hiccup with my anxiety over the impending labor. I don’t want to waste my last days of carrying my last child, inside of me, dwelling in fear and anxiety over a brief time of pain. (Ironically, I also know that it is a time that I will romanticize once it is over.)
But that is what I find I am doing. I am anxious… I am having to watch my breathing… And it makes me sad that so much of my energy is currently going towards counteracting the stupidity of this anxiety. I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack during this pregnancy, but I’ve come too close, and I feel like right now I am constantly riding on the edge of one. And, given the fact that this is my fourth child, I feel like a big huge baby fretting over this…
So I ask — will you all please pray for me? Specifically, for calm and peace during the last days of this pregnancy and through my labor and delivery. I know that my baby is healthy and that he is growing well. But I have control issues, and never have I felt so out of control as I did during my last delivery. And I really really need to keep things in a realistic perspective.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Thank you so much, in advance, for all of your prayers.