hmm…

someone has figured out the old trick for solving this thing…

hmm... someone has tried to figure out and old trick...

12 Years Ago, Tonight

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12 yrs ago tonight, I was waiting for her arrival.

I slept on the floor, by an open window (in Wisconsin!!), I was so hot and nervous.

I adore her more every day. ❤

(other posts about her arrival: The Day I Became a Mother and  A Birth and Rebirth)

Wrapping Our Heads Around Another New Reality

This week, the kids are at their bio-dad’s. It’s their first long visit since last December; only their 3rd visit in that time.

The past two years, visits have been very few and far-between, but recently, he has decided to get them one weekend a month, two weeks in the summer, and a couple of other times during the year.

It’s all been very stressful. When he wasn’t seeing them regularly (and for a long while, not calling) there was a certain mindset I had to go into, in order to shield the children from the reality of the situation. They, too, had to try to make sense of the things that they were aware of, and how things went when they did visit him. They met many different girlfriends/fiancees during that time, and stayed at different places; all very confusing.

But, they adjusted, and coped rather well with the absence. They’ve always been good about asking questions and they asked a lot of them:

Why didn’t he call… again?
Why didn’t he come down for a weekend, when he promised he would?
Why doesn’t he write letters back?

You know, the stuff that screws with anyone, but especially a child.

Every situation is different, and so is every parent/child relationship. Our children want to know things and will drill down to get to the answer. They also know when you are bullshitting them. So, while I haven’t divulged every detail, I haven’t lied and I didn’t sugar-coat what I did tell did them.

Having their reality explained to them in terms that they can grasp, while also knowing, without a doubt, that they are safe, secure and loved, has been a healing balm for them.

We moved forward and created a new normal. One with an absentee father. Because we had too.

But now, we are having to adjust. Again. And it’s been difficult for all of us, because, once again, we are having to wrap our heads around a new reality for them. For our family.

I still feel the need to protect them, and be on guard.

I am, cautiously, thankful that they will now have (*fingers crossed*) regular visits with him.

I am nervous that he will slip back into his old ways, but praying he doesn’t.

I am amazed by the resiliency of children.

*holding breath*

Just Write

This blog is my spot for sifting through my deeper, not-always-pretty thoughts. For the less gritty version of me, be sure to check out my other site: Living The Life Fantastic, where I blog about how we’ve been happily moving forward.

Sick Blessings

I’ve been sick since Thursday. It was hardly anything worth noting on that day, but I went to bed that night hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.

I was actually able to get a run in on Friday, and again, went to bed hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.

Saturday arrived and Randy’s mom and dad came over for breakfast. Despite orders to stand clear of me, I was certain I was on the mend.

Until 4pm…
I’m gonna go lay down for a bit.

Which turned into: I think we should have Mother’s Day dinner tonight. Only to not be able to eat it. The sinus pressure was so bad, I felt nauseous. (I did get to hear 5 of the sweetest toasts ev.er. Oh, how I wished I had a recording of them all…)

I was in bed by 7. Slept horribly and fitfully between coughing spells.

By Sunday, it had climaxed into fever, aches and pains all over, coughing… the works.

One might think such a day would be utterly ruined by the flu. But in many ways, it was the most authentically real Mother’s Day. They make me feel so special, loved and appreciated every single day, that it didn’t matter that I was sick in bed on Mother’s Day.

The best gift? Knowing how amazingly blessed I am and how super awesome my family is. I know that they love me, were concerned about me and missed me. Being able to just be sick and have my family understand and function smoothly without me is priceless.

(Just Write at the EO)

No Words

Sunday afternoon, in the middle of working. Out of nowhere, a pounding on the door. Not an “Open-the-door-I-need-help!!” sort of pounding.

No. This is a pissed off pounding.

The door is opened and there she stands. Her voice seems calm.

But her eyes deceive her, and she is angry. She wants answers, but the answers don’t matter. Her words might have been the right words, but she feels wronged and is vomiting her attitude. She smirks without hearing, saying we are dishonest and ridiculous.

Over what?

A yard. Our yard.

It’s been torn up and no one is allowed to play in it for another month. Not our kids. Not hers.

But she’s not buying it.

She stomps back (through our yard), and her words are left hanging in the air.

Stinging, stagnant and ugly.

 

(linked up at Extraordinary Ordinary for Just Write)