tired but learning

I have been so tired the past couple of weeks. Tired, as in, I-need-toothpicks-to-keep-my-eyes propped-open-at-11:00-in-the-morning, kind of tired. The only thing I can come up with is that the medicine that I take daily is causing it. I up-ed my dosage and I think that is when the “tiredness” began… The medicine is my anti-depressant (there, that’s out in the open) and I was splitting the pill in half. But, I started having panic-attacks again and so I stopped splitting the pill. Now I am tired. It doesn’t matter if I get 10 hours of sleep or 6 or take a nap…

So… for now my options are panic attacks OR total and utter exhaustion. (I choose the latter until I can get this corrected, ’cause those attacks are NOT fun!!)

I’ve been considering fasting for healing of my attacks. It’s hard to talk about them because I know what I thought about panic attacks before I had them myself and I never realized that they were a big deal. I just thought that they happened ’cause the person got excited and anxious about something and my image was of someone just acting hyper (like they just stood there going “oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh…!!!!)

Let me tell you — that is not how they happen. They are physically draining and sometimes I don’t want to leave the house because I am afraid I will be somewhere and one will strike and I will be unable to get to my quiet spot by myself.

So, I am learning to rely on the Lord for this. I’ve always turned to Him in the midst of the attack, but I am learning that I need to rely on Him for preventing them. I need His peace. Fear is not of the Lord. He does not want me to be a prisoner of these attacks. I know He wants me to be free from them. I also know that saTan will jump all over that weakness if he even thinks he has an “in” for causing me suffering.

In fact, I never had these attacks until I started really growing in God’s word. I wasn’t much of a threat to saTan before. But as I grow in my relationship with the Lord, satan will try to make me stumble so that I am a weak or poor witness (or make me think that I am a weak or poor witness; which is something I struggled with when I first had my attacks. Thoughts like “have you REALLY turned it over to the Lord?” and “am I really trusting in the Lord?” have plagued me as I ‘ve struggled with these attacks.)

Maybe the Lord’s way of healing me is through my medicine. Maybe He will completely take away my need for it. I don’t know. But I do know that no matter how He chooses to do it, it is the best way.