[I will be posting What The?! later today. Today is my daughter's birthday and I wanted this to be what I posted about; parts of this post are based on the speech I gave to my group at SheSpeaks in June]
Eight years ago today, I became a mom. Last year, I documented the day by showcasing photos of me and my wee babe.
While I became a mom that day, it wasn’t my first pregnancy. I had lost a baby to a miscarriage the year before, and I’d had an abortion 11 years prior. Abigael’s birth was a sort-of rebirth for me and so I celebrate this day with her. She is my sweet sweet girl, and she is nothing less than a gift from the Lord.
I had spend the years prior to her birth aching because of my poor judgment. I wondered if I would ever be able to hold a baby of my own in my arms. I worried that I’d be punished and be barren.
When I became pregnant in early 1999 (10 years, to the month, after I had become pregnant before), I felt redeemed. Restored. Forgiven. I felt that the Lord had smiled at me and told me it was okay and that He loved me. When an ultrasound later revealed that there was no hearbeat, I felt that my own heart had been shattered again at that very moment.
What had happened to that love and forgiveness that the Lord had just bestowed up me just a few short weeks earlier?
Despair covered me and seeped through me.
I felt abandoned by Him.
That pregnancy had signified so much in my mind. The miscarriage signified even more.
I cried out to Him and fell on my knees and searched His Word – looking for answers. Looking for Him. Asking Him why?
From that despair, I was lead to a bible study for women healing from abortions, and through that study, He met with me.
I found Him and He began to heal me. From the shame. From the fear of my sin being discovered.
All of the years of suffering and basing the Lord’s forgiveness on my circumstances… when all along, I had been forgiven.
A year later, to the month, I was pregnant again. This time, it was different. This time, I got it:
He had restored me and I would never be the same.
Happy 8th, sweet girl
She wasn’t the first wee babe God sent to change my life.
[If you are dealing with this same situation, I highly recommend the bible study I mentioned above, from Healing Hearts Ministries.]